Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dirty, Filthy Mind

First off, let me just say to even write this I have gone against everything I preach and put the oldest two kids in front of a movie and the baby in her crib (she has only been awake for an hour) because I need to fill my soul a minute with the yearning God has given me to write. I am realizing as a blog....occasionally...I do this for myself and for my relationship with God. Not that He doesn't already know the writing on the wall of my heart, but I sure feel better to express it out loud in a manner that pleases me and I hope is encouraging somebody. So never, ever let me even pretend I don't have "sanity" moments where I put the kids in places I know are "against the rules" just to indulge in self, even for just a moment.

We went to a birthday party on Saturday...all four of us. George was studying as usual for the unbelievable sermon he was preaching on Sunday, NO PERFECT PEOPLE ALLOWED!, so I had the honor of attending this party with all of the kids. When we got there, the birthday girl was vomiting frequently. Her mom, a dear friend of mine, was convinced she was just excited about her party, but as time progressed she was laying on the floor instead of playing with the other children. Two days later she and her brother were in the ER for dehydration...and to cap it all off Brody had decided to pick HER cup to drink out of at the party.

OK. any mom who has taken care of more than one sick child at a time can tell you the dread I felt when I saw my son joyfully drinking Jillian's juice. See, I have only been "supermom" twice in my life. And both of those times were when the kids were throwing up and I was too! And George just happened to be out of town both times. It was all on me, only me to nurse these precious children as well as myself back to health. Let me just say, ain't nobody comin', not even your dearest friend, when you mention even the slightest possibility of vomit. Therefore I do not recommend this to anyone. And now that I have done it...twice...and once pregnant, I DO NOT want to ever be "supermom" again. So you can only imagine the panic and fear that set in as Brody was drinking from her cup...and guess what...George is leaving tomorrow for L.A...of course!

So here starts the downward spiral. I know what this can turn out to be and it is BAD. So I begin to panic. I am angry, frustrated, convinced we are all going to be lying in a pool of vomit any minute (there is still a strong chance of that, since Brody began throwing up last night) and I start the anxiety attacks. I think I even convince the children they ARE sick just by the number of times I ask them "Does your tummy hurt?" They finally figure out they might get some extra attention and just say yes to humor themselves. So here I am in a full on panic attack waking every hour in the night at every peep waiting to hear "mommy, I need you" because the violent illness has set in, when surprisingly, I hear nothing. It was peaceful, even though sweet Brody tossed his cookies before bed last night.

Then, I open my bible this morning and begin to read Romans 8:6 "For the mind set on self is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace." It was God saying to me, "Let me control your mind." The mind is a restless place, especially that of a mom of three small children. I have learned the "right" things to say on most occasions, but my mind is constantly rebelling against the peace that Christ offers through setting it on Him. I am so bad about letting my mind wander into ungodly things. And because nobody else can see it, it becomes my little secret. Especially when you can convince everyone you have total trust in the Lord by what comes out of your mouth. I love to say, "but God is good," and if I were really gut wrenching honest about my thoughts, I find myself doubting it by letting the brain-train take me down a road of "what ifs" which always leads to destruction, not to mention absolute ridiculousness!

So through this small episode of panic, George would say it was rather a large episode, I have learned how dirty and filthy my mind really is. I let it imagine, ponder, wonder the things that are of this world...fear, worry, envy, greed, jealousy and lust just to name a few. And yet nobody would know because after all "God is good." So it is a choice I am having to make. Do I set my thoughts on things that are pleasing to the Lord? On His promises and His word? Or do I let myself live in a state of panic and fear on a regular basis? It will be daily battle for me, as most of the thorns in my side are, but I so desperately want to have life and peace instead of destruction. So I am claiming Romans 8:6 and believing that if I set my mind, not my tongue, on things above I will have peace.

So I am saying "God is good," but I am also thinking it, meditating on it and believing it as well...at least one day at a time.

Until next time,